cool.

I usually only ever blog here when I'm feeling nostalgic or inspired. Today is the opposite, but I want to take the time to talk about something a little more dismal. For whatever reason, I've been given somewhat of a platform via the Internet. Not a huge one, by any means, but with 2,650 Twitter and 1,500 Instagram followers, it's safe to consider what I've been given a small and semi-important platform. These platforms are so great for many reasons, but they're also very toxic for others. The one huge issue I have with social media is that we all seem to hate showing any sort of vulnerability. We're so caught up in our insta-aesthetic and humble-bragging about the latest things we've been up to (yes, I am guilty as charged on both accounts) that we almost forget that it's okay to be sad/angry/hurt/helpless/etc. 

I love keeping my Instagram game on point and I'm all about trying to forge together a funny tweet to get favorites, but I want to assure everyone that my life is not perfect. My social media profiles get a lot of feedback that sounds a lot like "your life is soooo cool, I want it" and I can promise you two things: 1) my life is not nearly as exciting as some of you seem to think and 2) the cool aspects of my life have come as a result of hard work which anyone can achieve if they want it badly enough.

Let's bounce back to number 2 really quick. I work very hard. (I currently work for/work with/run 8 different projects-- NONE of which I am receiving any form of payment from) I am a multi-tasker by nature and usually take on entirely too many projects at once. This makes my life hard to balance as I'm still learning how to manage my time wisely, but it pays off because I meet incredible people, get to go to a lot of shows for free, and get to work in multiple areas of the industry that I am so passionate about. Cool stuff! I genuinely enjoy working when it involves the music industry and can't wait to do that for the rest of my life. And yes, it is super cool that I get to go to shows all the time and that I'm friends with talented musicians but this is what I have chosen to do with my life. I am risking the real possibility that I will not get a job after graduation and will probably drown in my student debt because of it. It's cool, but the people who call it that are the ones who I'm probably going to envy in five years when they have stable jobs and I'm still trying to live on a $10 per diem.

Now back to point number 1. To have a "cool" life comes with a lot of sacrifice. I haven't had a normal social life probably ever, but especially not since going to college. I get invited to parties now but I can't go usually because I'm working on God knows what or I'm too tired from working to move from my bed. I've had the worst anxiety of my life during the past few weeks. I find myself sitting at my desk, feeling like I can't breathe for hours on end. And I have no idea what's causing it. It's also insane because I am genuinely happy but yet so filled with anxiety at all times. I didn't even know that was possible-- I'm learning new things everyday. 

The entire point of this post was to explain that, right now, I am not okay. And that is okay. It's okay to not be okay. I've identified the problem and I'm seeking healthy solutions. The purpose in me explaining all of this on my literal public portfolio site is that for years I have put endless amounts of pressure on myself to be the most perfect person I can be and in return, people think of me as a human being who has her life together. For crying out loud, I'm graduating college in three years, before I turn 21. I must know what I'm doing!!!!!!!! (this was sarcastic in case you were unable to pick up on it) But how we appear on the outside and on social media is not always the complete truth, and while I do have a pretty solid sense of direction as to where my life is going, I suffer roadblocks just like everybody else.

From now on, I vow to be an honest version of myself and I'm starting with my admitting that I am not at my best right now. I'm going to take the time to focus on getting myself back to where I need to be, beginning with this weekend. There's a large chance I'll be turning my phone off for the weekend in an attempt to let myself relax and breathe for a few days. If anyone wants to come watch The Perks of Being A Wallflower with me, however, I would not be opposed. 

Anyway, thanks for reading this if you got the whole way through. Overall, I'm happy to be living my "cool" life and excited for where I'm going, but sometimes I just need to slow down, and this is one of those times. Love y'all.